Personal Log — 3:30 AM (I’ll post this later)

It’s 3:30 in the morning as I start dictating this. I’m not posting it now—partly because I don’t want to be spammy, and partly because my brain is still running too hot to trust what comes out in real time.

I can’t sleep. I’m yawning as I talk. I’ve also got that “am I coming down with something?” feeling—like the flu is circling and I’m trying not to make eye contact with it.

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Today felt like one of the crappy ones

I did get some things done. Just not nearly as much as I wanted. That gap—between what I manage to do and what I expected to do—still hits me in the ribs some days.

The bright spot: my class starts today. Yay. That actually matters more than it should. It gives me somewhere to put my attention besides mulling and replaying and trying to solve everything at 3 AM.

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The contract thread (and the weight it takes off)

Part of what I did today was research—trying to understand where I stand, what I’m responsible for, and what I’m not.

The work hierarchy, in plain language, went like this:

• I subcontracted to a company that held a contract providing building services to a major retail outlet.
• So I wasn’t the main contract holder—I was a subcontractor to the contract holder.
• My contract was terminated by the contract holder.
• A new subcontractor was brought in.

Here’s the part my mind keeps circling: under Ontario’s ESA, there are rules specifically for “building services” when providers change over. From what I’m reading, the incoming provider can be on the hook for statutory termination and severance obligations for employees they choose not to take on.

I’m still going to double-check the details before I treat it like gospel—because this isn’t the kind of thing you want to get wrong based on a 3 AM read-through. But even seeing that this might not all land on me took some weight off my chest. Money is tight right now, and my nervous system is doing enough without carrying extra guilt that doesn’t belong to me.

This is something I’ve written about before in my own work: when everything turns into shame, you stop thinking clearly. When you turn it into evidence—facts, sections, timelines—you get traction again. Not relief. Traction.

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The hiring thread (the kind of stuff that used to make me furious)

And then my brain did what it does: it jumped tracks.

Something that used to annoy the hell out of me as an employer—the interview process. We’ve talked before about tire-kickers: people who apply and then ghost you when you follow up.

But there’s another category that used to get under my skin even worse:

• They reply.
• You set up an interview.
• They don’t show.
• No call. No message. Just gone.

Or the next level:

• They accept the position.
• They never show up for the first shift.
• No explanation.

I used to take that personally. Not just “this is inconvenient,” but “this is disrespect.” And maybe some of it is. But if I’m honest, part of why I started doing what I did was because I kept seeing patterns like this—patterns that didn’t make sense if you assumed everyone was operating with the same stability, the same resources, the same capacity.

I got into all of this to find out why things were the way they were. I don’t know that I know why. Some days I think I should’ve just stayed a grunt. And I mean that in the most exhausted way possible—not dramatic, just… tired.

But I also know this: the older I get, the more I see how much of this isn’t “character,” it’s friction. Systems friction. Life friction. People running on fumes. People living one crisis behind. People juggling things they don’t admit out loud.

That doesn’t make the no-shows okay. It just stops me from poisoning myself with rage over it.

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What I’m doing next (so I don’t spiral)

• Sleep attempt #47: I’m going to stop feeding the brain after this and try to actually rest.
• Evidence over panic: I’m going to re-check the ESA sections in daylight and write down what applies, what doesn’t, and what exceptions might exist.
• One small forward step: Class starts today. Show up. Do the work. Let that be enough for one day.

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Standing on the Ledge.
Godspeed.
Good night.