Active Avoidance, “Warm Starts,” and the Discipline of Not Hitting Send

Hey, and welcome back to Standing on the Ledge, Rebuilding from the Rubble. Our story continues.

Today’s entry is a small one, but it’s an honest one: the difference between knowing the tools and actually using them.¹

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The Driveway Got Done (In Chunks, Like It’s Supposed To)

We finally got out yesterday to clear the driveway — at least a good portion of it. It took over an hour to get the tractor started. The tired old International Harvester 434 hadn’t run since the mercury hit about -34°C. The hydraulics needed time. Everything needed time.

And here’s the part that mattered: I didn’t do it all in one miserable, teeth-grinding, four-hour cold soak.

I did one hour here, one hour there. That bought me coffee breaks, warm-up breaks, and the ability to not burn myself into resentment. It also let the equipment warm up properly — which is the kind of “obvious” thing you forget when you’re trying to brute-force your way through a task.

This is what it looks like when protocols are actually working: I shrank the mission until it fit inside my hands and my nervous system.³

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The Surprise Bonus: A Rescue Mission That Helped the Protocol

Housemate’s car broke down, and I had to go rescue her. It was an interruption, yes — but it also created a natural two-plus hour warm-up window for the tractor.

This is one of those moments where “life chaos” accidentally becomes a friction reducer: the delay wasn’t wasted time, it was necessary warm time. And because I didn’t force the issue, the whole job went smoother when I did press the tractor into service.

Sometimes traction isn’t motivation. Sometimes it’s timing, load management, and refusing to escalate yourself into stupidity.¹

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Journaling as a Control Panel (Micro-Thoughts Included)

I’m continuing the practice of writing out my thoughts before dictating anything. It’s helping.

I’m leaving a header at the top of the page for “micro-thoughts” — those little threads that pop up while I’m writing. They’re not the main point, but they’re signals. And if I don’t capture them somewhere, they either vanish or they hijack the whole entry.

I once told an employee: journals are a way to slow the mind down. Like dreaming while awake. It doesn’t even matter what you write — the point is getting it out so it stops chewing the inside of your skull.

For me, though, it is a little about content — because I’m documenting the rebuild in real time.

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The Uncomfortable Truth: I’m Not “Gifted.” I’m Too Fast.

I’ve said before that I’m a gifted writer — that I have a way with words. I’m not sure that’s true.

What’s true is this: my brain throws thoughts like fire-and-forget missiles. I jump from thought to thought like a frog chasing its next meal. My clarity doesn’t come from being “gifted.” My clarity comes from tools, structure, and editing.

And yes: my editor is AI. My researcher is AI. My pattern spotter is AI.

I use AI because it helps me turn raw, chaotic material into something coherent. The risk, though, is obvious: if I’m not careful, “working on the writing” becomes a respectable-looking form of avoidance — a way to stay busy while the real-world task sits there getting more expensive.²

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A Body Note: The Heart “Drop” Moment

After clearing the driveway, I came in, ate, rested, took my blood pressure — and about an hour later my heart started beating erratically for about 30 seconds.

It felt like racing. Like a freight train.

But my Fitbit didn’t show a spike. It showed a sharp drop — about 30 beats per minute.

I’m not drawing conclusions from one weird moment. I’m logging it as data. If it repeats, or if it comes with dizziness, chest pain, or shortness of breath, that’s the point where I stop “observing” and start getting checked out. The rule is: track first, don’t catastrophize — but also don’t ignore patterns when the body keeps voting.⁵

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The Contract Invite That Made Me Laugh and Swear

And here’s the dark comedy for the day:

The company that terminated my contract — the one currently trying to withhold funds — sent me an invite to bid on a contract.

I laughed. Then I got angry. Then I laughed again.

I wanted to fire off an email expressing those exact sentiments. But I didn’t. I bit my tongue. Because there’s an old truth that still holds: discretion is the better part of valor.

This is one of those moments where my conflict style matters. Under stress, my “avoid” reflex can show up as delay — but delay is not always cowardice. Sometimes delay is triage. Sometimes it’s me choosing not to write a message that creates new damage I’ll have to carry later.⁷

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Quick Self-Audit: Did I Follow My Own Tools Today?

• Chunking instead of heroics: Yes. (One hour here, one hour there. Warm up. Breaks.)³
• Reduce startup cost instead of negotiating all day: Mostly. (The rescue “intermission” created a warm-start window instead of forcing cold-start rage.)²
• Evidence over shame: Partial. I logged what happened and what I did, but I’m not consistently writing receipts as a closing practice yet.⁵
• No dramatic messages while escalated: Yes. (Did not hit send.)⁴
• Don’t turn writing into avoidance: Watch item. Writing is useful. Writing can also become the “wrong right thing.”²

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Post Closure Card (Because I’m Trying to Practice This)

1 receipt: I cleared part of the driveway and I did it in manageable chunks instead of a burnout sprint.¹

1 next step: Write an overhead list for the next highest-needs task (paperwork / finances / job actions) and complete the first 10-minute “wedge” action — no negotiating, just start.²

1 boundary sentence: I’m not sending any reactive emails today. Drafts can wait 24 hours. If it’s still worth saying tomorrow, I can say it clean.⁴

That’s it for today. Godspeed.

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Footnotes

1. “Tools & Protocols” (triage phases; “small fires”; friction reducers; Post Closure Card). ↩︎

2. “Overcoming Active Avoidance: Strategies for Action” (task substitution; overhead list; implementation intentions; behavioral activation logic). ↩︎

3. “Behavioral Activation: Small Steps to Rebuild Today” (ten minutes counts; reduce load; action-first traction). ↩︎

4. “The First 72 Hours After Collapse: What to Do and What Not to Do” (no big decisions while escalated; prevent new damage). ↩︎

5. “Transforming Shame: The Evidence Ledger Approach” (evidence vs. shame bookkeeping; receipts; pattern tracking over vibes). ↩︎

6. “Mastering the Art of Asking for Help Without Chaos” (contained asks; boundaries; reducing chaos load). ↩︎

7. “My Journey Through Conflict Styles and Solutions” (avoidance as a stress reflex; choosing delay as triage; clean boundaries). ↩︎

Note: This is personal process writing and general information, not medical, legal, or financial advice.