The Mirror vs. The Audience

Hi, Standing on the Ledge community. Hope you’re all doing well today.

I was scrolling through my phone late one evening, the blue glow of the screen painting the room in quiet light, when a post from defacto.love popped up. As I read the bold quote, my heart gave a quick jolt—like staring into a mirror that saw straight through pretense. Instead of my usual wave of self-doubt or shame, it stopped me cold and set me thinking.

The Quote That Stopped Me

From defacto.love:

“The only validation you need is the one staring back at you in the mirror. The peace treaty. Stop fighting with yourself. Make peace with who you are right now, flaws and all. When you accept yourself completely, the need for external approval disappears.”

“You can fool the whole world. You can curate your life online and wear the right clothes and say the right things, but you cannot fool the person in the mirror. At the end of the day, when the lights go out, it’s just you and you. If you don’t like who that person is, no amount of applause from strangers will fix it. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Heal it. Nurture it. Respect it. When you are good with yourself, you are good with everything.”

Source: defacto.love (as encountered on social media).

Why It Felt Complicated

What made this feel complicated was who shared it: Mr. W, my old boss. He led with fear, rarely gave praise, often criticized, and always expected strict obedience.

So when I saw Mr. W post about self-acceptance and inner peace, my mind started spinning stories. I also noticed a job posting that looked a lot like his old position. It made me wonder: Was he let go? Did something happen? I honestly don’t know.

But I do know how it feels when someone who taught you to doubt yourself shares a quote about making peace with who you are.

This gap highlights my main point: it’s easy to look for approval from people who can’t or won’t give it, so it’s important to build your own sense of self-worth. This isn’t about revenge or gossip, but about showing why self-validation matters.

Here is my core claim: In environments shaped by unequal power, learning to validate yourself becomes a vital act of resistance and self-preservation. When the system or specific people refuse you acceptance, self-approval is not just an emotional goal—it becomes the foundation for your well-being and your ability to navigate unfair situations.

The Other Thread: Cleaning Work and “Modern-Day Slavery” Questions

Soon, I need to take a course at work about modern-day slavery. This topic connects to something I’ve struggled with for years in the cleaning industry.

I’ve seen crews where no one speaks English. The problem isn’t language; everyone deserves work, no matter where they’re from or what language they speak. The real issue is the pattern: long hours, low pay, little or no benefits, and workers who can’t seem to say no.

For context, Job Bank wage data (based on Statistics Canada’s Labour Force Survey) puts the median hourly wage for custodians/janitors (NOC 65312) in Canada at about $21.27/hour, with a low end around $16.00/hour.⁵ That doesn’t prove exploitation by itself—but it does help explain why people can get stuck: when wages are tight and power is uneven, choices shrink fast.

When you see people working 12-hour days, seven days a week, for minimum wage or close to it, and you hear they’re missing basics like employment insurance, CPP, or injury coverage, it makes you wonder about coercion and vulnerability. Are workers fully informed? Are they underpaid? Are they threatened with losing their jobs, deportation, or other retaliation? Are they allowed to work legally? I don’t have those answers for any specific crew, but the pattern is troubling and needs attention.

One clear line, though: forced labour isn’t “a vibe” or a stereotype—it has a definition. The ILO frames forced labour as work exacted under threat of a penalty and not offered voluntarily.⁶ That’s why the right move is evidence and process, not assumptions.

A Socio-Psychological Lens

1) The Mirror vs. The Audience

The defacto.love message compares seeking approval from others with accepting yourself. In sociology, this connects to Cooley’s “looking-glass self.”¹ In psychology, self-discrepancy theory explains the stress that comes from the gap between who you think you should be and who you are.² And self-determination theory reminds us that autonomy and competence matter—especially when your environment trains you to doubt your own internal signals.³ If your self-worth depends on others, the mirror starts to feel like a judge.

2) Performance, Reputation, and Impression Management

Goffman described life as a kind of stage, with a front stage for others and a back stage for yourself.⁴ Scrolling through Instagram one morning, I caught myself pausing before posting a photo—cropping out the clutter, adding a quick filter, thinking about the caption that would read confident and self-assured. It looked effortless, but in reality, I had spent several minutes overthinking the details, scanning for invisible judgment from my imagined audience.

In that moment, social media made Goffman’s staging feel even more intense—the “front stage” now stretched across every app, every scroll. When I put my phone down, I felt oddly drained, realizing how performing for others online can feel powerful and connecting at first, but also tiring, as it can quietly take over being real with yourself.

3) Fear-Based Leadership and the Internalized Critic

In workplaces led by fear, criticism can stick with you even after you leave. This isn’t a weakness; it’s a learned response grounded in how our brains and bodies handle threat. When you face constant criticism or unpredictable authority, your nervous system switches into fight-or-flight mode, sharpening your sense of danger.

This response is designed for survival, not self-criticism. What feels like an “internal critic” is often your mind’s way of trying to protect you, scanning for risk long after the threat is gone. Noticing this can help you respond differently: small, concrete steps like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or even changing your environment for a few minutes can signal to your body that you are safe now, helping your sense of agency return. Seeing your reactions as adaptive responses, not personal failures, is the first step toward reclaiming your power in these situations.

4) Precarious Work and the Power Gap

Exploitation relies on power, not physical chains. When there’s a big power gap, people don’t really have free choices. It’s important to ask: what systems make it impossible for someone to say no? And beyond that—who profits when saying no becomes impossible?

5) Moral Injury and Bystander Numbness

Seeing unfairness over and over without any way to fix it can cause moral injury—when your lived reality keeps colliding with your values.⁹ This kind of injury doesn’t just stay in your head or heart—it can leave you restless at night, anxious, or exhausted at work. Over time, people may grow cynical, numb, or withdraw from things they once cared about. When long hours and low pay become normal in an industry, people start to give up.

What I Am Taking From This (Standing on the Ledge Edition)

To sum up, getting approval from others can feel good for a while, but it can’t be your main source of strength.

A few practical moves I can make (and you can too):

• Keep an Evidence Ledger instead of a Shame Ledger. Write down what really happened, what you did, and what you learned, without judging yourself. To make this a habit, connect it to a daily ritual—like jotting a short note during morning coffee, or right after you end your shift. Let your evidence ledger be a simple, honest check-in anchored to something you already do each day. Even a quick three-line entry can help build up small self-trust wins.
• Separate stories from facts. If you catch yourself guessing about things like who got fired or who replaced whom, call it a story and focus on what you actually know.

Quick checklist for story vs. fact:

• Did I witness this happen myself?
• Can I verify it with concrete evidence or a reliable source?
• Is this something I heard, assumed, or filled in the blanks about?

If the answer is no or you’re not sure, label it as a story instead of a fact.

If you think something unfair is happening at work, focus on writing down what you see: dates, times, places, and details. Instead of posting about it online, use local employment standards reporting options. For example, in British Columbia you can file a complaint with the Employment Standards Branch—and the province explicitly notes employers aren’t allowed to intimidate or discriminate against you for making a complaint.⁷ In Ontario, you can file an Employment Standards Act claim online, but understand the process may involve sharing information with your employer as part of the investigation (so it’s not the same thing as “anonymous”).⁸ If you are part of a union, you can also reach out to your union representative. Having clear notes makes it much easier when you talk to any of these supports.

Build up your self-approval with small steps you can repeat. Keep promises to yourself that are easy to keep, like getting enough sleep, drinking water, moving a bill where you can see it, or sending one email. Try using a simple weekly tally, like “promises kept this week: 3 out of 5,” to measure your micro-victories. Even a handful of completed promises can show your progress over time and help reinforce your self-trust.

Choose peace without pretending everything is okay. Acceptance means saying, “This is where I am, and I’m still worthy as I work on things.”

Closing

At the end of the day, when the lights are off, it’s just you with yourself. I’m working on making peace—not because I forgive everything, but because I won’t let people who fed on my self-doubt take up space in my mind anymore.

That is all from Standing on the Ledge. Godspeed.

Kevin McLaughlin (Lugh Sulian)

Reader Note: Concern Without Stereotyping

When I talk about the risk of exploitation in cleaning work, I’m talking about patterns and conditions—not blaming any nationality, language group, or specific crew. People who are new to a country or don’t speak much English are often more at risk. That’s a problem with the system, not with them.

A grounded way to hold this concern is to focus on verifiable questions:

• Are workers being paid what they were promised for all hours worked?
• Are required deductions and employer contributions being handled properly?
• Do workers have access to safety training, injury reporting, and medical care if something goes wrong?
• Do workers have a safe way to say no, quit, or report problems without retaliation?

References (Selected)

1. Cooley, C. H. (1902). Human Nature and the Social Order. ↩︎
2. Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340. ↩︎
3. Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. ↩︎
4. Goffman, E. (1959). The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. ↩︎
5. Government of Canada, Job Bank. (Updated Nov 19, 2025; reference period 2023–2024). Wages: Custodian in Canada (NOC 65312). Job Bank wage report. ↩︎
6. International Labour Organization. (n.d.). What is forced labour? ILO overview. ↩︎
7. Government of British Columbia. (Last updated Sept 3, 2025). Make a complaint (Employment Standards). BC complaint process. ↩︎
8. Government of Ontario. (2017). Filing a claim: Your guide to the Employment Standards Act. Ontario ESA claim guide. See also Ontario e-Claim terms re: information sharing: e-Claim terms. ↩︎
9. Litz, B. T., Stein, N., Delaney, E., Lebowitz, L., Nash, W. P., Silva, C., & Maguen, S. (2009). Moral injury and moral repair in war veterans: A preliminary model and intervention strategy. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(8), 695–706. ↩︎